do one thing a day that scares you

I am extremely unhappy with my Intro to Socio tutorial. Like seriously it's the epitome of stupid Singaporean semblances of education. Next tutorial I'm going to record the entire session and explain with verbatim quotes why it makes no sense.

rescind

So there's this dude, let's call him Asshole.

I hung out with him quite a bit around half a year ago, and he decided that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. (This he revealed the first time we hung out together alone and not in a group with friends, but let's not go there.) He seemed like a really nice (if somewhat blur and innocent) dude.

After going out on a few dates I told him it wasn't working out, and disappeared from his social radar for quite a while.

I dropped by my friend's (let's call him Kena Backstab) birthday party chalet around Christmas, and noticed Asshole was there too - normal since he's one of Kena Backstab's bros - sticking really close to one chick (let's call her Biatch Sneaky). Close as in lying in bed together watching My Little Pony.

Under ordinary circumstances I'd find this quite normal (last Cosfest I had to sleep between him and another guy because we squished 7 people in one room, it's standard chalet space solutions) but knowing how easily distracted this guy is I was slightly alarmed.

Firstly, I didn't really like Biatch Sneaky. Any girl who entertains themselves by watching MLP reruns at a party is pretty much baiting bronies. Secondly, noting that Asshole decided he was madly in love with me before he'd actually spent any time with me, he was being totally baited.

Sure enough, Asshole sent Biatch Sneaky to the bus stop when she was leaving. Knowing Asshole, this was a major sign that he was hitting on her.

That morning I overheard a conversation between Asshole and Kena Backstab. KB was explaining how much he liked some girl. I assumed the girl in question was this other chick I sort of knew, who he was close to. I was horribly tired and braindead and didn't catch the actual name.

Then we went home.

That day or so, I suddenly noticed that Asshole was in a relationship on Facebook with this really nice girl, let's call her Ouch, because she'd been cheated and dumped by one of our guy friends (they made up eventually though). This made me super happy since I'd seen them hanging out together and they were quite adorable, and also dispelled any suspicions about him getting together with Biatch Sneaky.

Then a few days later, I suddenly discovered from friends that Asshole had already been together with Ouch since before Kena Backstab's chalet, and that Asshole was now basically cheating on Ouch.

I was really disturbed. Also my idiot boyfriend wasn't helping. One day I glanced at his Skype to discover that he'd said this to Asshole:

"hey dude i think your future gf is gonna be like this http://stopplayingleague.tumblr.com/"

Basically, that site's owned by a chick who draws comics about herself and her boyfriend, who plays League of Legends. The chick is slightly weird and obsessed, but it's pretty cute.


Note that at the time, Asshole was still attached to Ouch, and it was very obvious that he was cheating on her, and of course both my boyfriend and I knew about it.

Asshole had also been asking my boyfriend for relationship advice (which my boyfriend hadn't had the opportunity to give before that), and since I knew that meant my boyfriend was about the only person who could have any kind of impact on Asshole, I'd been entreating him to tell Asshole to get his shit together.

And that basically sparked off a few hours of me throwing a humongous fit and shouting at my boyfriend for supporting Asshole. Actually, it was only 30 seconds, the rest of the time was spent trying to convince him that a) he was supporting Asshole, and b) it's wrong to encourage a cheater.

Eventually, after a lot of shouting and crying at him, he sort of gave up. (The topic of Asshole's cheating resurfaced in conversation a few times over the next week or so, during which I had to come to terms with the fact that my boyfriend didn't think what he did or what Asshole did was wrong, which was how long it took for me to get him to realise that he'd better STFU about it or I was going to keep screaming at him.)

It was completely bewildering that my boyfriend seemed totally incapable of understanding why I was angry about what he did.

So anyway, over the new year Asshole finally broke up with Ouch and got together with Biatch Sneaky.

I'll bring you back to Kena Backstab's birthday chalet. Remember that conversation he had with Asshole about a girl he liked in the morning (the one I generously soaked in foreshadowing)? It was about Biatch Sneaky. Apparently Kena Backstab and Biatch Sneaky were almost attached that day, but went through a small rough patch and Asshole stole her. From his bro. On his bro's birthday, no less.

The shit really hit the fan after that.

I've heard Kena Backstab's side of the story - Biatch Sneaky's ex-boyfriend was suicidal and he dared not declare that they were attached before she cleared things up with him, but other than that he was more than happy to do it.

I've also heard some of Asshole's side of the story - Biatch Sneaky was upset that Kena Backstab wasn't paying her enough attention, was playing too much Skyrim etc, didn't want to man up and go steady with her, so she gave up and went off with Asshole.

But these are the facts:

a) Asshole was cheating on his girlfriend.
b) Asshole made a move on Biatch Sneaky when he knew Kena Backstab liked her. What Bro Code?
c) Biatch Sneaky went off happily with Asshole (she didn't even bother to tell him she was leaving Kena B's chalet with Asshole, which I find just rude, and in this case also really sneeeeky) even though she knew she and Kena B were almost attached.

Conclusion: Asshole is terrible. I'm not that sure about Biatch Sneaky, I think I might just dislike her.

In the aftermath, everyone loves debating whether Kena Backstab is in the wrong for mistreating Biatch Sneaky, and how Biatch Sneaky and Asshole are really perfect for each other yada yada.

It's all a distraction - the only thing Asshole said about his cheating is "yeah, that was just really my bad." Ouch has washed her hands of the matter and stayed out of it all, as well.

I think Asshole doesn't deserve to be happy. I've wondered before if everyone deserves to be happy, and this pretty much solves one of my life's questions.

The worst part is that Biatch Sneaky seems to not have a shred of creativity in her body. Let's compare some of her recent FB doodles (I didn't stalk her, I have Asshole added and things like this keep appearing on my news feed) and see how much it resembles that Stop Playing League tumblr I linked earlier:

Posted Jan 27th.
Posted today, 27th Feb.

Okay, ignore the fingery bits, I wasn't actually trying to dig for some cheap topic relevance. My point is, if she's really read Stop Playing League before, my opinion of her has just downgraded to utterly disgusting copycat. (Plus, bitch please, you're sucking on his appendage, stop acting innocent.)

They entered the couple photo competition (Garena's Valentine's Day Carry Me competition) as well, which Stop Playing League advertised for in one of the comics.

And Asshole looks happy, which I am not pleased about, because he's a cheating bastard.

You could probably surmise that I'm just sad someone can be happy without me (since I rejected him before), but I find the thought progression pretty sound independently as well.

It's just one of those horrible revelations, that a guy can live with himself after perpetrating two of the most awful relationship taboos (cheating on his girl + stealing his bro's girl - I am not sure if replacing the + with a TO construes another discrete taboo).

I'm pretty disappointed with life. Not enough to give up and off myself, but enough to kill my drive to fight if given the chance.

death grip

- is what this tank top has on me. I decided I needed a new white one because the one I had got all loose and huge, so I went to Far East and bought one made of some magical smooth material, and it's so tiny I might actually suffocate because it's squishing my waist.

I hate having elastic thingies between my ribcage and my hips. It actually makes me lose my appetite/energy/mind.

Anyway, I started playing Star Wars: The Old Republic, which entailed actually getting down to watching some of the movies (I'd only watched maybe 15 minutes of a few) because OH MY GOD IT'S STAR WARS didn't hit me hard enough to quell the rage of totally nonsensical maps and clunky controls and space missions that make no sense.

So far the only thing keeping me playing is the knowledge that somewhere somehow I will get a purple lightsaber (supposedly impossible for Republic players) and swing it around in vwoom vwoom glory.

Actually I am seriously considering downloading some sound pack that will make my computer cursor go vwoom vwoom when I move it.

guys are gullible creatures

The other day I found out several things that deeply disturb me.

Firstly, a girl whom I always thought was genuinely a twit (types things like worhxx and hieeee and ROFLLLLSS!!, calls herself ' xiiao[name] including the apostrophe) is just acting like a retard so she'll be popular among guys.

I am not sure whether to be comforted that nobody is really that idiotic, or horrified because ew.

Secondly, I keep reading articles about 'what guys don't really care about'. It includes things like eyelashes and handbags and shoes.

Guys, stop deluding yourself into thinking you prefer girls without makeup. Most girls who wear makeup do it so you don't really notice it's there (which is the point).

Also, the thing about eyelashes is the most untrue statement ever. Guys say things like 'you have gorgeous eyes', and what they mean (if they don't actually mean boobs) is basically that you have really long eyelashes and look great in them.

Photo stolen via Google. Okay, granted, 'after' photo has better lighting, but it also has more visible eyebags. (Google 'fake eyelashes before and after'.)

Don't shit me. Eyelashes are important.

Also, I accidentally revealed that I am a FB stalker of the highest order when I managed to tell someone, upon meeting her for the first time but stalked on FB, that another person I stalked but met only once before reminded me of newly-met person when she shaved her hair.

That explanation was rather hard to compose.

Finally, dear children: It's GRAPHING calculator, not graphic calculator. I finally cleared this up about 5 minutes ago (I wasn't sure which was right either) when I Googled 'graphic calculator' and it immediately redirected me to 'graphing calculator'. Also, if you Google your calculator model it will describe it as graphing, not graphic.

Which is a lot more sensible, and now I can make fun of people who get it wrong ("Graphic calculator? Does it have a function for describing murder scenes really vividly or something?")

inappropriate

Why this blog is unprotected despite it having close to a decade of (most really shameful) content:

I am hoping someone will read it and tell me who I am.

Someone told me that girls shape who they will be for the rest of their lives between the ages of 18 and 22. Well, I was going peachy at the start just after hitting 18, but as I got nearer to 19 this bitch be crazy and now that I'm going to be 20 this year I'm starting to despair.

Firstly, it's not my fault my birthday's in November so my age is a little weird, and I only spend 2 months a year telling people I'm the age I actually am.

And it's not that I'm insecure, it's that I've realised that my stupidity indubitably only avoid stopping me when it knows I'm about to do something monumentally dumb.

i.e. the moment I get over my shyness (which is more like half disadain, half confusion), retarded stuff comes out of my mouth.

It's not even that momentary stupidity - what scares me is knowing that when I'm alone my brain will go back to all the moments of idiocy and replay them over and over, and every single time I will want to cry from whythefuckdidIdothat.

I told someone (else) that I still remember awful things I did from a decade ago. He was extremely skeptical - "You were in primary school a decade ago." - but you have no idea the kind of horrible things I remember myself doing.

I heard on the radio that one way to speak up more is by clearing yourself of misconceptions about your own inhibitions, basically, thinking about things that make you reluctant to act, and reasoning logically whether they're really good reasons to be inhibited.

Bitch please, if I didn't already realise that every single stupid thing I've done is absolutely a result of my own nasty personality, I'd either be a saint or a demon by now.

One day I will try and write down every single stupid thing I remember doing, and see if that makes me feel better. (Probably not.)

It doesn't help that I can tell I'm losing my grasp on language. Reading my old posts it seems it was so easy for me to just throw witticisms and literary techniques and happiness into my posts (even most of the miserable ones are pretty enjoyable for me to read), but now (probably because of the people I'm hanging out with and the books I'm not reading) it just Doesn't.

Ugh.

justly reverenced

Or, why I am scared of people.

In JC1 there was one time in lecture (oh those hours of dicking around) it got into my head to make a pile of star-shaped confetti and leave it on my classmate's lecture notes when she went to the toilet. I'm extremely fond of this classmate, she's adorable.

I made a small heap of green stars with a craft puncher and carefully scooped them up and leaned over (she sat in the row before mine) and loaded them up onto her graphing calculator (which was quite unsmart, considering the stars were so small they might have got stuck between the buttons).

Just as I was settling back to feel pleased with myself, another classmate informs me that I was being mean.

"What? No?" I am slightly bewildered. I probably blinked at her a bit.

"Well what's she gonna do with all that? Why did you dump it on her?"

Which provides a succint summary of why I am extremely unfriendly.

#whattofeedasherlyn 2

cont'd:

TCC's Classic Marble Cheesecake

spicy seafood udon from Shokudo

rosti from Marche/Shokudo (with sour cream and raw onion rings)


Now Featuring: BREAKFAST 1.0

I don't like eating breakfast. Being half-awake (and usually grouchy) quells hunger. But breakfast is good for the soul and lonely to solo, so here's advice on how to make Sherlyn-approved morning-food.

1. I hate the smell of coffee in the morning, especially instant. No coffee unless it's mixed with Milo, one packet of Milo and one packet of coffee per mug of water. (Plus preferably brewed after I'm already awake, so I can brace myself.)

2. No strange sandwich-type foods with bread and whatnot.

3. Cereal is okay, as long as it's not too sugary (the revamped Honey Stars and Koko Krunch are monstrosities coated in awful layers of plasticky bleaurgh).

4. Acceptable foods include potato wedges (grilled/baked with salt and herbs), Portobello mushrooms (grilled/baked, maybe with cheese), room temperature fruits and berries.

5. Morning is for newspapers and rustly things. If you want to have your legs amputated with the shards of your own skull, turn on anything with loud electronic sounds.

pretty pleased

I've been playing the maddeningly addictive Pocket Frogs. It's more or less the perfect game to appeal to my suppressed hoarder: rainbow colours, cute small size-spectrum frogs, and a bunch of patterns (more colours). Also, compartments for me to obsess over, and really easy main game (the pond). People who inexplicably wanted to buy a new set of colour pencils every time you saw one with more colours than you had, this game is for you.

material promises

Just discovered that flipping my phone closed midway through a post clears the whole thing.

I'd forgotten I had this app.

I'm getting increasingly sad that I'm quite a useless person. Not particularly good at studies* nor hobbies nor good looking nor capable of suppressing stupidity.

I think the most likes I ever got on a FB post was the one about being trolled by my dad over yoghurt.

Somehow I suspect this is related to not taking more photos, and doing demoralizing things like gaming instead (I can safely purport that the occurrence rate of matches that will make you feel good about playing is less than one per night, even if you win/annihilate enemy team/play with friends, it's still too good a war metaphor).

School is not bad actually, except I really don't like the tutor in Socio I. Also I keep having brain farts in Logic class (which I'd have the highest participation score in EVER if not for the fact that there's 0% participation grade).

The more appropriate it is for me to do something, the less inclined I am to do it. Like being social during orientation/speaking up in class/not perpetually looking like a hobo etc. And it's been getting worse since I somewhen started putting being comfy before being appropriate (i.e. sitting on the floor to sleep on the MRT, which is also why I try dress like a poly student to school).

Everything's compounded by the daily shoving of better people in my face thanks to my secret mission (see post a few months prior - or don't, it tells you nothing, I did mention it's secret). It's to the point that the only things keeping me going are the MLM-esque morale-raiser lectures every month or so, and the (meagre) practical aspects (which my laziness is rather effectively preventing me from exploiting).

Things that cheer me up on a daily basis: my perpetually hungry fish who will beg for food seconds after giving them a whole cube of worms, missing my acRO OBT characters (damned bloody gigantic katana still makes me snigger), cat videos on youtube, online shopping, looking at pretty graphics.

Graphics. Photos don't have appeal for me any more. Somehow I've been starting to only appreciate event photography/photojournalism. There's only so many times you can gasp at a sunset/here-is-a-macro-of-something-commonplace-that-I-noticed-even-though-it's-so-unassuming, perspacity-of-life/random-"interesting"-stranger/OMGLOMOANDANALOGSOHIPSTA/kid-who-is-the-epitome-of-hope photo (unless it's quirky or has a cute backstory etc).

Okay I shall stop whining now and go back to the lecture :/

*If you had to live with two overachieving siblings and a mother who tells her sisters "the trick to parenting is not to do anything. See, I hardly did anything and those two are doing quite okay," you'd think you're kind of mediocre going downright stupid, too.

antioxidants

I start to miss blogging whenever I read my own posts, which I guess is a hallmark of satisfactory writing. Most of the time I look over the quirky turns of phrase and wonder how I could ever have been unstupid enough to write something that sane.

Sem 2's starting, I'm taking really terrifying modules. Singapore Lit + Logic + Socio 1 & Methodology + English = help, I'm not even an arts student. I have to go module by module, OCD style, assuring myself that I won't fail and burn:

Singapore Lit's surprisingly awful. Singaporeans apparently enjoy writing prose/poetry about nothing in particular, and since I can't even glean the slightest bit of interesting trivia like I do when I read stuff by non-locals, it's just really irritating. I'm sort of banking on the fact that it's precluded for Lit majors + I actually know people in the class so I won't suddendeath upon hitting a group project.

Logic is logic. It's terrible on less than a full night's sleep, though. I am going to aim for a minor in Philo and will have to overload two modules because of this (spent too much time dicking around taking random modules that looked fun).

Socio's meh. I fluctuate between thinking it's a load of trollop and that they actually make some sense. I had to take two modules at once after suddenly deciding that I want to major in it.

English is bleh. Also I am officially the 3rd person to post on the IVLE forum (quibbling over some definitions in the textbook).

So far, I dislike Caucasian lecturers the most (they've been utterly boring) and like the Japanese ones (they at least have a sense of humor, and the tendency to refer to themselves in third person, which is highly entertaining).

In other news, today I was at KFC and a dude just started talking into his phone really loudly while videoing himself. His monologue went something like:

"Hey so I'm at KFC now. I'm just gonna go to the sink. Oh, it's flooded. As you can see. Yup. Well this is a pretty nice place (wiggles phone around randomly, to apparently show surroundings without his face disappearing)."

Following which I was so stunned I failed to catch what else he said (by this point he moved away from his table to the middle of the restaurant and was talking into the phone while rotating on the spot).

I'd like to flame him for being such an utter attentionwhoring moron, but just in case he was taking a video to show his bedridden, lonely sister or something, I shall refrain. Somewhat.

So anyway, I thought I'd review the modules I took last semester.

EU1101 (Making of Modern Europe): I hate this module. Seriously. Insert long bitchy rant about crazy tutors here. Thank goodness my project group was nice.

Only upside was that that module was in U-town, otherwise I'd never get to take any classes there. It looks awesome but the classes are near impossible to find, especially since my tutorial was in SR9. If you ever have to find SR9, you probably won't. There's signage for SR1-8, and 11-whatever, and you finally manage to stumble across SR10, but SR9 is nowhere near it. People turned up almost an hour late for the first tutorial.

PS1101 (Introduction to Politics): Weirdly similar to SC1101E, content-wise. Lectures were extremely enjoyable. Tutorials were less so, mostly beginning on a curriculum-based note and ending with government bashing (it got to the point that there were audible sneers whenever anyone tried to defend the men in white).

I was considering taking PS as my major but it seems I'm not naturally any good at it (got B+, seems reasonable considering I think I wrote crap for all the essays), I'm now looking at majoring in Sociology.

LAJ1201 (Japanese 1): Lectures were fun but kind of useless, you still have to attend because of the graded quizzes. Tutorials basically one gigantic test period, and insane number of tests per week plus homework etc. High workload compared to most other (arts faculty lol) modules. But it's kind of worth it, you get to meet otakus from other faculties and everyone's very friendly since you see each other up to 7 hours a week.

(Speaking of which, I swear one of my tutorial classmates has a huge crush on the ki siao dresses-like-a-jap-schoolgirl chick. I don't understand why guys with crushes are so easy to read. I was kind of grossed out by this at first, then realised it's probably a good trend that more or less normal guys see crazy otaku girls as potential mate material.)

PH1102E (Introduction to Philosophy): Fun but you feel kind of crazy after a while. Also, the grading system is pretty subjective. Expect mad people to be your tutors. I really didn't like the lecturer, who had really entertaining lectures the first few weeks then sort of gave up. I gave up going for his lectures too, so that's okay.

EN1101E (Introduction to Literary Studies): Lecturers were highly entertaining - Prof A talks insanely fast and I can't look at her talking for too long without feeling like I'm suffocating. Prof P talks really slow in contrast, and they each took half a lecture in the first few weeks, so it needed a bit before everyone adjusted.

The end. My life is boring. I'm considering going clubbing tonight since following this week I'll have tutorials every Thursday morning, but then whenever I get to the club it feels kind of pointless and I start getting hungry. :/

post-production

I have been walking around deeply unsettled/disquieted/disturbed for the last week or so, shunning company and conversation, trying not to ask about things I know will not be to my liking.

It all boils down to the discovery that grown-ups don't care about imagination.

They don't care about creativity or originality or innovation. They want to follow their business models or common sense, and are proud of their own little projects when money comes in, because the entire enterprise was never about interest or talent or making something new - they applied what works to something else they knew would work, and called that entrepreneurship.

I'm so disappointed it's flooring me mentally. I don't know how to talk to these people without being shockingly critical. I always thought everyone would at least bother to make their project unique or inventive, but no. The only imagination they did was putting together two ideas that already existed, and not bothering to do anything beyond catering to these two separate things, rather than the special amalgamation of both.

In fact, they seem to put in so little effort that things like this happen: I tell them that their publicity media is lackluster and in some places just wrong. It is the only thing I feel like I can fix, but everything is ignored. They spend the entirety of their time using their connections to sell their project, which I feel is simply not worth investing in, because I myself wouldn't bother looking at it - it doesn't have any actual content, entertainment value or use at all.

Another group bothers so little about quality that their 'publicity model' item physically falls apart at at event. It looks good on camera. Nobody cares.

Nobody seems to have a sense of shame or an eye for perfection any more - they have in their heads the 'typical consumer' (whom I believe never existed and is an excuse for sloppiness) and proceed to attempt to cater everything to this half-assed standard. "Don't you think you need higher quality production?" "(patient look) See, the typical consumer won't bother looking at the details, they just see the big flashy whole.."

People are expecting things to earn money based on a well-constructed plan to make money. Whether the actual products make sense doesn't matter, as long as they have friends.

The worst part is that all these happenings are headed by people I actually have pretty good relationships with. I am starting to hate myself because I have to support them - it's impossible to get them to understand or care about what I mean by creativity here, and being apathetic is being a shitty friend when they are spending so much time and emotion on this - and the only way I feel like I can do this is trying to some up with ideas, myself.

So the past few weeks have been spent at war with myself, trying to ignore the fact that I am surrounded (or actually within) various groups that I disagree wholly with, giving them my support while hoping, for the sake of meritocracy, that they won't succeed, and trying to convince myself to numb myself to all this and just learn whatever I can, or lose people I care about.

I am very sick of everything, as is my usual refrain nowadays.

hush-hush

I went on a secret mission yesterday.

What I didn't expect (since I'm a crabby antisocial bitch-type) is that I actually really like the people I met there so far. My resolve was further reduced to powdery nothingness when a chick with 3 pairs of fake eyelashes and a tattoo walked past and I thought she was headed to the same place as me, but nah she was just a random passerby.

(I realised this sounds like I had an abortion or mammogram or something no I did not sheesh.)

Anyway, secret mission success. Yaaay.

And I'm super happy because one weirdly likeable person I met also mission-succeeded so I get to see her again yaaay.

indecision

School is weird.

Because everyone keeps asking and I think I haven't mentioned it to them (with the exception of Kenny who just refuses to admit his memory sucks), the modules I'm taking this sem are European Studies I, English Lit I, Philosophy I, Political Science I and Japanese Studies.

So far it's hard to say which module I 'like' the most/least. There's too many things to compare.

EU's kind of fun because it feels a lot like secondary school history (as far as I can remember; which is basically a long period of hazy golden mist with a big A looming out of the darkness in glittery splendour so uhh) but it seems utterly meaningless.

Lit is lit, a familiar derpy place. I'm rather irritated that I fucked up the recent midterm test (we haven't got it back yet but I have a bad feeling) by 1. forgetting to bring my (POETRY ANTHOLOGY i.e. unlike the novels, you have to refer to it because you didn't memorise all hundred over poems in there) text, and 2. overanswering the question ('comment on the structure' apparently means 'tell me what techniques are used in here and nothing else, even if it's a freaking scary university exam and you think they couldn't possibly tell you to identify techniques without analysing their effects because that's secondary school'). Also I gave back all the vocab I need to answer questions properly.

Philosophy just shoved me back into the first few weeks (ok, year and a half) of KI where I fluctuated between thinking my classmates were idiots, being totally lost because I hadn't done the readings and dozing off during classmates' speeches. (In other words I'm still not talking at all and am rather relieved that they only appear to grade you on attending the tutorials, though I wouldn't put it past them to euphemise 'attendance' to 'contribution'.)

And Pol. Science is more or less the most interesting and fresh one (the lecturer's hilarious and my tutorial class is seriously good) but I'm terrified because it's so competitive.

Finally there's Japanese. I usually write LAJ instead, because apparently they're iffy about calling it 'jap' and Japanese sounds like you haven't eaten anything with fiber in it for weeks and are literally full of shit.

It was a terrible choice to do LAJ in my first semester. The workload is, in terms of real school hours, precisely 1.75x a normal level 1k module, and in terms of preparation, about 5x that. There's at least 3 tests per week (vocab quizzes, lecture tests, oral interviews) and the entire tutorial's graded. Every single minute.

At first it was awful because I had no idea what the hell was going on and didn't know which books to study from. Recently it's been picking up slightly.

The tutorials are a source of constant entertainment. I only go to school 3 days a week, and there are 4 different LAJ periods, so I basically have a tutorial with different classmates every school day and a lecture on one of them. The sanity standard of my classmates drops as the week progresses.

Tuesday's the derpy class. I don't have anything to say about it, it's just a class.

I like my Wednesday tutorials the most. The sensei is hyper and adorable and has a sense of humour and my classmates are weirdly cute, the kind of people you'd actually expect to find in LAJ (there's one dude who wore a Vocaloid shirt to class the other day, which is the epitome of normalcy for me).

Friday is where the horror begins.

I swear the way life tries to lull me into defencelessness over the week is intentional, because every Friday I end the week trying not to scream over this one girl who's a weeaboo.

She's worn thigh-high socks and a pleated skirt to every single Friday tutorial so far. Also she tied her hair into twin ponytails the first two weeks, then sort of gave up. Her voice gets 2 octaves higher when she speaks Japanese and my skin crawls when I hear it. She pats whoever's sitting next to her on the back and simpers "it's okayy~" whenever they make a mistake or panic (which, because Japanese is annoying, is quite a lot of the time).

Last week I was on the verge of screaming and bashing a hole in the (plasterboard, anyway) wall with the back of my head whenever she spoke. I seriously considered it, then realised that when I think about it I can't really hear her any more because I'm too distracted by my own thoughts, then everything was alright because it's impossible for her to push me over the edge.

I guess I want to strangle her because I got halfway there but stopped. I wear pleated skirts with hobo long-sleeved shirts with holes in them, not j-high-school-girl-wannabe cardigans. Also, she's in university (I fail to understand how; then again, ditto for me). Why she wants to be in high school again misses me, truly, madly, deeply.

Yes, I am traumatised by this girl.

Other than all this, this semester I'll be trying for USP second intake and other random things undisclosed.

And it's time for bitter addictive coffee at Cat Socrates now.

Okay, make that right after I finish explaining the coffee addiction. One day after PS lecture on Wednesday I had a bout of twitchy hysterics (probably because I hadn't slept, but I decided it was because I hadn't eaten). I wobbled to the nearest eats (random cafe next to LT11) and ordered a cappucino.

It was the horriblest coffee ever.

The next day I woke up absolutely craving that awful cappucino to the point that I tried making instant coffee and picking all the pre-mixed sugar out.

The end.

axiomatic

Here is the word for what I turn into when I am seriously irritated by a whole cloyingly concerned string of people I didn't want to get involved with:

Snitty.

I constantly have great difficulties ranting, because most of what I rant about seems to self-explanatory to me that I can't even explain why I'm irritated by it. And I have to explain. I think it's some vestigial KI/Lit thing. ("But why doesn't the logic follow?" "TWE is this effect used?" And in chorus: "You can't just quote from the text and leave it at that!")

It goes like this.

Me: ".. and then he called his bros up and told them 'hey guess what I don't want Rundy any more you can go after her if you want.'"

Constant Listener: "And then?"

Me: "Yeah.. Fuck.. I'd not be so unendingly angry if he didn't make out that I'm his whore, that his minions obediently chased me, that.. Wait, you don't think he's wrong at all, do you."

Constant Listener: "Er.."

Me: -brainplodes from lack of explanatory power-

Or like this:

Me: ".. and she claimed to 'know me quite well'. Well, I don't have a fucking clue in hell who she is or that I'd met her, ever, in my life. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've never met her, heard of her, otherwise engaged in social intercourse with her etc. So wtf is going on?"

CL: "And then?"

Me: "I can't stand it when people claim to 'know' me on the basis of having heard my name before."

CL: "Uh huh."

Me: "Wait.. You don't even understand why I think they're a bunch of social sluts, do you?"

CL: "Er.."

Me: -ditto above-

My brand of logic is different from everyone else's, and I don't know why.

Guys are morons.

I'd rather not get attached if it means you will lose all your friends in the aftermath of damage control and feelings you didn't know about. It feels exactly like the first time you gave in and ripped up a pretty wildflower to discover that there's roots and dirt and all sorts of crap attached.

And, as always, there's that someone you want back whom you cannot have.